you see,
you've met me at an interesting time,
baby.
i so vividly remember a time when my dreams didn't scare me. i remember being able to want something and thinking with just some hard work, God-given talent, and effort i could achieve it. this phase didn't end with childhood either. it lasted all the way up through high school and my early years in college. now, this isn't to say that i didn't work hard for things i wanted (i have a mom and a grandma that are both insanely hardworking and independent that influenced me beyond description), but things usually came easy to me. school was not something i ever had to work at, i picked up my after school activities with a breeze, and i found i had talent in areas of activity that i enjoyed. i never really had to become a mover and a shaker to make my goals happen.
none of the above is to say i didn't go through struggles at times, but for the most part if i decided on something, i made it happen without a fear of failure through my youth and earliest adulthood years. but, then it came time to make decisions that were long term such as career paths, university choices, jobs, and the whole slew. let me just say, at the age of seventeen i was no better equipped to make these decisions than i was at six. but still, i coasted through them and set some incredibly mediocre life goals which really ended up killing me a few short months later. i'll never forget that first feeling of true emptiness at the age of eighteen.
i like to call the year that followed this time the lost year, sometimes. but other times i like to call it the year i found out what the word goal really meant. loss is something that has always led me to soul searching. and the first big 'loss' in my life cracked the whip of insecurity, doubt, and complete aimless wandering across my body. i realized for the first time that if i didn't truly set myself for a target, i couldn't be crushed again when i landed in some foreign place that i honestly never wanted to be. this kind of realization shook me to my core. it forced me to pick myself up, cut my ties, and make a real map. never again did i want to be lost.
so, no, this didn't all happen over the course of a single year. i was nineteen at them time and totally reeling over things any adult would shrug off. but this long rambling about drawing a line to where i want to be does have a relevance, i promise.
today, i 'relaunch' this blog. not formally, not in a manner that deserves streamers, fireworks, and cake, but in a subtle way that allows me to really introduce a new person to you. so,
hello. my name is chantel and it's the greatest pleasure to meet you,
again.
again.
the last four months have been a time of intense change in my life. not the normal, uncomfortably forced change that people hate, but the kind that is unannounced, quiet in the work it does, and overall intensely pleasant. over this time, i've moved towards a new destination i have been journeying to as long as i can remember. the name of this foreign place? self love.
those two words, placed side by side, is a concept i've never understood or felt. not even in short moments. i've always had a criticism, put down, or rejection to throw at it whenever it tried to come around. let me just tell y'all, man does that make you an unhappy person. but i've had enough time in the emotions past. instead, i'm moving toward God, new people, new places, and the world out in front of me.
never in college have i been so busy. never have i known this many people at one time. never have i felt on such a personal level with my mentors. never have i felt like this is truly what i am meant to do. that is so scary. it takes courage to grow up and become who we are truly meant to be as e.e. cummings said. but i wouldn't trade that fear for anything. for once i feel like i have something to lose that i have worked for; i have something to gain that i've put my entire being into. and that, quite possibly, is the most life changing realization i've ever had. but then again, i'm just a child still.
i will never again apologize for knowing what i want. i will never again regret wanting something that other people don't understand even though i know it will always frustrate me. i will never again shove my own dreams, thoughts, feelings, and passions in the closet for someone else's approval. neither should you. happiness doesn't come from pleasing the world. and trust me, no matter how hard someone else tells you, even with deep conviction, you can't slam that revolving door.
so with that, let me just say one last thing: don't rehearse your unhappiness, trust that God will get you through whatever you're brought to, and you can always reintroduce yourself.
i found peace in a foreign atonement, i lost myself in the tides of a moment.
but nothing compares.
