vendetta

i remember the fifth of november.

blowing smoke rings at the popcorn kernels on my shitty ceiling.
              i can inhale you off my mind.
at least, i think i can.

but still the thought of two toothbrushes
              resting on the cracked veneer of my sink
questions every so loudly
              breaching the darkness:

"us?"

                                                  i said i wouldn't grow attached to you.



it's four am.
      in november.
and i swear, i didn't.

                        but here i am,
with only my third eye open,
         trying to so hard to see.


memorizing-
chronicling-
 the way your hair falls to the left side...

but, only
        when you laugh.
and
the way the silver
                in your eyes matches
                            the gold in mine.


precious metals and porcelain veneer.

                                                  and from the bathroom, the chanting
                                                 of the toothbrushes
                                                 continues.



"us?" "us?" "us?"

it only stops when you rustle the comforter
       stretching your body across the length of my used mattress
                 and let out a sigh that
             
-i swear-

must be the opening beat of
                     to god's favorite song on his iPod.

                            and mumble "you. and. me."

c.b.

excusing yourself from the table

they say from the ages of sixteen to twenty-two that you will meet a lot of temporary people. i used to hate that idea; i just couldn't hang with the assertion that people i met, invested in, loved, and grew with would suddenly just become fleeting moments in years already littered with growing pains. i held desperately to the people i had and refused to let others into my life through a highly understated fear of sitting at the table of life alone.when i turned sixteen and almost like some coming of age film (circa the thirteenth year), i rapidly began experiencing the rejection of people in my life paired with the oncoming of new people. i realized that i had a choice in who i wanted in my life and who i desperately did not.  but, as most people above the age of sixteen know, sixteen is much too young an age to cope with the power of choice in love and loss.

the pattern i fell into as a teenager of frivolously investing in one person and catering life to keep them was not actually a power of choice. instead, it was a power of fear. this fear was so deeply rooted in me that i poured everything i was into someone else simply so i could have someone on my team and at my table. to summarize, that was an incredibly naive choice of a young girl. luckily, as all heartbreak does in God's plan, this laid the great foundation for my ability to reflect on self-imposed loneliness, the true ability to be alone in one's person, and to excuse myself from the table.

if you haven't realized yet, i like to equate my relationships and interactions with other people to sitting around a table. probably a rustic, true wood table with whirls that have been lovingly sanded and stained to a rich distinction; sturdy legs and a round shape with large, comfortable reading chairs situated around it.  in other words, this table is well-loved and well used for hearty meals, deep discussions, belly laughs, serious pow-wows involving subtle tears and ugly crying met with deep hugs, and an overwhelming amount of acceptance. 

.::.the table of friendship.::. 

this table, throughout my time in college, has sat many people both old and new, had a few people leave the table, and even sat at the table alone at times.

however, whenever people have sat at my table, even if only for a small amount of time, i used to find myself trying to shackle their feet to the floor and their arms to the table top so they couldn't leave. i so desperately hated sitting at the table alone that i'd keep any kind of company regardless of what they brought to my table.

(here's a chicken for your table.)

and then i turned twenty-one. something about twenty-one....the year my table is suddenly filled with a variety of booze, outfits, and new people sitting at my table; new people that brought something to my table more sustaining than food, good drink, or blooms. instead, they fed my soul. and they were hungry for the same things i was.

the introduction of these people to my life, my table, and my journey allowed me to realize the value of the people i allow at my table. simply, not everyone i come across is someone i want to have at my table. not all of these people bring good things to my table. instead they bring the junk food of life: enjoyable at first but eventually toxic overall (oh an addicting). aspects like gossip, negativity, constant sun-syndrome (aka center of the solar system), judgement, manipulation, and pressure have all sat around my table in human forms. sometimes, i've sat at other people's tables and played one of those roles. but that isn't who i want to be or who i want to be with; that isn't what i want to try to love or invest in. ultimately, those people aren't good for my table.

i want to be powerful and ambitious, loving, positive, and a shoulder to people. i want people in my life to help me become this person and to push to be even better than my dreams. but how can i do this when i sit at a table with someone that is toxic? what if, at sometimes, they are the only person i find myself sitting at the table with? i used to think it'd be better to sit at that table and deal with everything i knew was wrong and allow myself to mold to those distasteful attitudes and attributes. but not any more.

i'm not asking to be excused, much to my manners' horror. not, instead, i'm just allowing myself to exit, though, quite politely. over the last six months, i have sat around tables in my life that make me sick to my stomach. i have told myself that i could ride out the hard times if i hunkered down. i have told myself that i am strong enough not to bend to the way of the world. however, i am not.

God and i sometimes have chats across a table. some chats are comforting like a cup of warm coffee, others are surrounded by swallowed sobs and tears. let me say, i talk way to much at this table. in fact, i babble on about the same things to God in our chats; i tell him about my table and my place at others' tables. i pound my fist on the table demanding to know why people are not willing to be different. God sits across from me, nodding knowingly because He does know. 

and over the course of our chats, God as constantly and consistently put something on my heart. and i've made it a mantra in my life lately; i tell everyone i can about this, especially when they are dealing with problems within their relationships of all sorts.

people are a blessing or a lesson; some people are both. know yourself and know what you bring to the table and never be afraid to eat alone. you're not ever alone.  

and then there was ezra.

.:and now for a little space, grace has been shewed from the Lord, our God, to leave us a remnant to escape and to give us a nail in his holy place, that our God may lighten our eyes, and give us a little reviving from our bondage:.

ezra 9:8

i've said it before, but man do things hit me like bricks sometimes. i am not bound to tables of man. i am not trapped in toxic people, places, things, or thoughts. i have a means to escape and i'd rather sit alone for what i truly believe in and what i am truly trying to become than eat at a table of a million people lost in the world because that is truly coming to a table alone.

leaving the table is a hard thing to do, it becomes even harder when you love the person opposite you and have come to a horrible realization that you are not what they want or need and vice versa despite the love between you two. pulling myself out of relationships that are at their cores vial and poisonous with people i want to be there for, people i love at the root of my soul, and people that were once a positive influence in my life is a trial i'm still facing. 

when you love people, you let them go. and they'll come back someday, if it's what God has planned. that i know to be true down into the depths of my soul and existence. and with this, let me encourage yourself to excuse yourself from the table. excuse yourself with love. continue to love the person across the table. and love yourself. 

excuse me.

it's like you're my mirror

last night, i was deep in my journal on the cusp of morning time. since i've had quite a lot of time off as of late, i've spent a lot of time reflecting and writing more about my experiences this past year. what follows is a transcription from that writing.

"watching things grow is seriously such a strange phenomenon that we often don't even realize we're seeing. plants, babies, pets, muscles, feelings, distance, hair, nails. what's even more strange is realizing something is growing only through a process of simultaneous shrinking. usually, i suppose, this applies to emotional areas.  growth through shrinking: an initiation of change that occurs either intentionally or unrecognized altogether. 

reflecting back on this year, i feel like i've grown through my own shrinking. well, and i've shrunk through my growth. this isn't a matter of true and literal size, either. by shrinking my old self, i've grown into a newer person in the depths of my soul. through growing my happiness, i've shrunk my tendencies to close off. weird. weird. weird. man, what a year. isn't that what people always say? however, what a year; almost an uneventful year in comparison to the previous three. but maybe this sort of "uneventful" is exactly what my life really needed. i needed the head-space and the routine; i needed the ability to think about everything all at once for a long time. and truly, for such a quiet year, i learned, did, tried, and felt so many growth inducing things.

::i decided to double major and double minor and allow myself more time here. i moved, again, but into a place i can truly call a home. i forgave someone and told them goodbye. i said also goodbye to my comfort zone and made some great friends. i finally got my semester of A's. i recommitted myself to God.  i got my motorcycle license. i experienced the loss of a friend on terms other than my own, again. i lost forty-five pounds. i went on a wild streak and got two piercings in two weeks. i totally got to call my mom a badass while watching her get her eyeliner tattooed on. i watched one of my soul mates graduate from college. i crossed something off my bucket list, twice.  and finally, i wrote one of the longest and most intensive papers of my life in prep for grad school.::

of course, this overview is so mild it doesn't cover some of the larger things and really skips over tons of the smaller. but maybe, this tepid year was great. in fact, maybe it was the basis of some truly life changing decisions to come in 2015.

2015

dearest 2015, dude, i already know you'll be a stellar year. lots of HUGE things are already in the works, not to mention those that i have no foresight into. one of my closest friends is gonna have a little girl that, despite my insane awkwardness around children, i already love. i'll graduate college and apply to graduate school. i'll say too few hellos and far too many goodbyes. i'll cry a lot more than i want to. i'll make decisions i regret and carry that with me for way too long. i'll squinty laugh like my mom, i'll dance with a mindset of beyonce even if i'm more like a baby giraffe, i'll scream and squeal in moments of turmoil and joy. i bet you anything i'll fall in love during the span of your 365 days; maybe with someone who won't love me back or maybe not with a someone at all. 2015, you're gonna be scary more often than you're comfortable, but that's okay. God knows his plans for me and if anything, growth happens right outside of comfort zones."

so, that's the sticky of where i'm at with the past, future, and the here and right now.

i'm delightfully fearful, kind of like the first day of college and kindergarten paired with the butterflies that come in that space-between-a-first-kiss moment. i'm hopeful and starstruck by the last twelve months in all of their humility. God has blessed me with faithfulness, as always. 

however, being who i am, i love lists and goals, and actions. and what's better a reason for a list than new year's resolutions?

or, as i call them,

annual intentions c. 2015

1. buy two books a month: one leisure, one prof./self improvement.
2. stop your nasty nail biting habit.
3. devote weekly time to GRE studying.
4. put 15% back each week into a savings account.
5. make time each morning to pull the weeds (metaphorically).
6. travel at least twice this year.
7. network professionally and beyond.
8. practice pay it forward actions

so, with this i bid you adieu, ask you to have a merry christmas and a sparkly new year!  

up in the woods

climb mountains,

not so that the world may see 

you,

but so that you may see the world.

never have i felt so close to God as i do when i'm out hiking. the mountains just connect things in my mind, my heart, and my soul that i seem to struggle with in everyday life. maybe it's the air at that high altitude and the sunburn it causes, the warmth in my hammies, or maybe it's the amount of wildgrasses i encounter being kissed by the breeze. or maybe it's the simple fact that i actually take the time to disconnect from my busy problems and just stop and let myself exist in the purest of ways.

stop. cease. quit. terminate. pause. 

i am busy. i feel kind of silly saying that but really, i am busy. i take eighteen credits a semester, i have extra curricular obligations, meetings, additional work for grad school, research, and a life outside school i like to live. so yeah, i am busy and the conception of pausing is scary to me. to pause is a mini-moment in which i lose control. i let go of the reigns and intentionally tell God and the surrounding world  that i am letting go. and that is scary. maybe that's why i love to be busy. it keeps those moments minimal and keeps me believing i have control. man, what a lie right?

existence is a word the human race is constantly trying to give a luxurious, grand meaning to.  i myself want my existence to be meaningful in the idea that it is inspiring. i want to touch hands with people but more than that i want to touch their lives. i want to be a vessel of  change for the better even if it is just within a single life. and even though that sounds sort of lofty in your inner monologue, it really isn't that easy. giving meaning to your existence is a constant struggle that so many people face every single morning. this quest doesn't discriminate by age, gender, race, class, location; everyone wants to be meaningful. everyone wants to be important and vital to someone else's existence.

adding this sort of quest to the business of everyday life can really skew a person's perspective. i've written about it before and i'm gonna do it again: we chase after things to give purpose, to gain access to ease in living, to be given titles but that's not what life--- that's not what existence is about.  and it is in those incredibly long and sweet moments on a mountainside that i get to stop the pace of life and remember that.

stop. cease. quit. terminate. pause.  stop. cease. quit. terminate. pause. stop. cease. quit. terminate. pause. 

seriously, you have to take a step back sometimes. you have to stop the deadlines. you have to stop the  continual progressive planning. you have to quit trying to do it all. you have to stop spreading yourself like peanut butter over the bread of life so thin that you can barely even be seen as a layer of the sandwich. everybody likes more peanut butter. believe me, the world keeps turning even if you don't accomplish everything on your daily to-do list. i know that's hard to come to grips with. it's hard to put the action of stopping onto that list. man, do i know.

 i grew up watching a mom who literally did it all; she worked(s) hard, did way more than she needed, and rest wasn't a priority or even a passing thought. this kind of life is something we deem to be selfless. and yes it is, but it isn't just a selfless life. it is a life that tears the liver of the life down. self worth is directly proportional to how much we accomplish and how others rank our work. yeah, talk about self implosion waiting to happen. back to my mom, as i got older her work ethic and selfless attitude didn't change but her ability to prioritize for self time did. and the change was so obvious.

i'm a total reflection of my mom. i get involved in things. i get involved in people. i get involved in the world going on around me. i over commit and i eventually find myself weeks later sleep deprived, angry, and frustrated in the very few hours in a day. doing things like this is a method of trying to bluntly feed my own ego. the failure i experience in trying to do it all is an intervention telling me to calm-a-tay! luckily, over the last few years in college, i've moved toward a better balancing act between work and play. but i find the weeks that i am at my most calm, no matter how busy my schedule is, are the weeks that i hike.

i love living in new mexico. the nature variety around here is amazing and there's nothing quite like it. grabbing a backpack, some water, and hopping in my jeep to cruise a back road, it is an adventure all in itself. but that physical progression up a hill, facing a physical struggle, and reaching a peak to see the world in all of its incredible, perfect beauty...wow.
what a way to reflect on my actual life and actual struggles. being able to conquer that steep terrain,  being able to get up when i fall, being able to enjoy the journey through the struggle is a significant and relevant comparison to my life experience. hiking is a way to rationalize that i will always reach the other side no matter how difficult the way is. being able to tangibly experience this provides a restful sensation through my existence.

  the beauty is not the destination (though incredibly beautiful itself) not the end meaning of life, but instead in the journey. 

God is present in the perfectness of nature. He's present in your journey. He's present in your struggle with your own purpose and your own meaning of existence. He's aware of your skirmish between your mind and your heart. He's the means of intervention through which we fail when we spread ourselves thinner than gossamer and He's the sponsor of that rest we all long for. i promise you the world isn't in your control, so it won't implode on the axis if you disconnect and go off the grid for a little while each week. heck, it won't even do that if you go off for an extended amount of time.  take the time to do what calms your soul whatever that may be. get outside. create things. listen to music. immerse yourself in a book. nap. cook. bake. just take the time.

stop focusing on making gains in the world, but instead on making gains within yourself. the gains in the rest of your life and the rest of your people will follow.

starve the ego. feed the soul.

i'm up in the woods, 

i'm down on my mind.

i'm building a sill, 

to slow down the time...

thanskliving

'isn't it funny how day by

day

nothing changes but when you look back,

everything is so 

different?'

c.s. lewis

i had a hard time deciding what i was going to pen about this week. truly, i've been thinking about this all week, trying to avoid the over personal and the mediocre. and then, this hit me.

when you're young, life is all about tomorrow. we get stuck in this preoccupation with destination; we are obsessed with the idea that happiness lies in the next place, next job, next person, next project. happiness always lies in tomorrow. isn't that why we put in work? why we do things like go to college, work jobs, make dreams? because happiness isn't here, it can't possibly be! it's over there; it's somewhere that isn't here.

that's our life experience: trying to create happiness in a future that we have no real way of viewing. we miss out on the exponential joy that touches us everyday. we are so blessed in things we don't think twice about. seriously, when was the last time you ever #blessed on an instagram photo of your toilet? we reserve the term blessing for the big things, the big moments, the big issues. but that's not where blessings really are. blessings lie in the fact that you woke up this morning, the fact that you are in the here and now. we are such fading things yet we live life like tomorrow is such a promised thing. you are a temporary vessel, live accordingly.

has the day to day ever seem to go by so slowly that it each day is it's own week? yet, when you look back a month later, things have flown by? this is how i feel every semester of college, every new season of my life. man, did c.s. lewis say it right. i'm at a stage in my life where my entire existence is centered around bettering and preparing myself for "the real world" aka another term for destination preoccupation.  i go to college to get a degree that will earn me a job, which will secure stability for my family and retirement and then one day, i'm will just be gone from this earth.  i get so stuck in this cycle of happiness being somewhere else that i lose sight of all of the amazing things happening in me now, in my life now.

so lately, i've been trying to pay gratitude for the smaller things in the here and now. i've been trying to reflect on these in quiet time, trying to stop the obsession, the worry, the intense need for control that i experience over tomorrow. never has the Lord let me down; i've always been provided for and i've always made it to the other side. it's a struggle to let go, and let God. man, do i know.  but you'll get through anything.

happiness is here. happiness is now. but sometimes it's about intentional recognition and rejoicing. it's about intentional reflection. because a series of small things can become a large then when joined together just as days become years. don't be about thanksgiving, be about thanks-living. positivity will be found in the smallest of things, and joy in the most forgotten experiences.  light can be found in the darkest of times if one just remembers to turn on the light as dumbledore said.

so remember, life is now. life is not tomorrow. the grass isn't greener in the future unless you water what you have now. take joy in what you have and stop lusting after people, places, and things elsewhere.  take some time to reflect this next month for just a few moments each day...i promise you'll realize that you are so #blessed. pay some gratitude to God.

therefore, do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself. each day has enough trouble of it's own. -matthew 6:34

give thanks in all circumstance- 1 thessolonians 5:18


an open letter:

God, thank you for allowing me the ability to go to college, to double major in my passions, to be able to get through it debt free. thank You for the extra change i find when i'm in desperate want of a coffee. thank You for the stranger that smiled at me on a monday morning. thanks for bringing my two rescue cats  into my life to keep me laughing. thank You so much for my family that listens to me and sacrifices everything to see me succeed, they show me what real love is; a glimpse at your love. thank You for unlimited checkouts at zuhl. thanks for providing for me when i never see a way out. thank You for rescuing me. and thank You for loving me, delighting in me, and helping me to grow.

p.s. i am super grateful to have indoor plumbing that includes pipes that can handle toilet paper (costa rica doesn't and yeah, let me say that it really makes you 'preciate that detail).

You're the real MVP. 

thanksliving's the new movement, y'all.

atonement

every new beginning

 comes from 

some other beginning's end;

the word atonement has been following me around for weeks now. it works into my readings for class, my subjects for paper topics. it shows up in beautiful typography in magazines and bold lettering on dvd covers with keira knightly's face. it comes to me in conversations and plays itself into my speakers on my iPhone. i cannot ignore it any longer even if i tried (which i have).  i always ask for the sign and then try to send it back when it comes to me in full boldface because it scares me.

so what does that word even mean? i asked around to so many people receiving answer that ranged from "i have no clue. is that even a real thing?' to 'cleansing' to 'it's a musical theory'.
atonement an amazing word even in the barest of definitions.

atonement

noun

1. satisfaction, reparation, or expiation given for an injury or wrong.

2. the reconciliation of man with God through the life, sufferings, and sacrificial death of Christ; the sufferings and death of Christ.

3. the state in which the attributions of God are reflected in man.

okay, seriously that last part though....whoa. if anything could bring me to my knees, it is this. one word with such a loaded cannon of a definition, a beautiful back story, a plethora of attachment to my life. so just a forewarning, i'm going to be pretty transparent and bold here. 

i have hated myself for a long time. i don't say that for some kind of pity or inspirational heart-to-heart. i say that because it is a self evident truth. hating ourselves and other people for what makes them their true self is a social activity in today's society that we can't escape. i am my own worst critic; i strive for perfection. keeping control of my life is the ultimate goal from day to day. i want to have a say in how my life works and i want to be able to direct it through hard work.  who doesn't want to control the outcome? i want to look a certain way, talk a certain way, eat and drink certain things solely for the impression it makes on other people. social acceptance and success is the goal.

i cannot say this is an unreasonable goal. i just wanna be successful. but, sometimes, no matter how hard i try or how much work i put into something, it just does not come together. i have watched the sand slip from my hands so many times, failure leads me to dark places. i rarely find myself asking where i've gone wrong in God's plan. i rarely consider the ideas that may be far from what i actually desire in life and far from what will ever make me truly happy. failure spurs self hate in a way that lights me on fire. it makes my face distort, my outlook darken, and my life spiral downward all because i get so stuck in the mindset of if i can't control it, how is it ever gonna turn out ok, much less perfectly?

the struggle for perfection ties to a deeper desire to discern worth to my own existence. worth is a partner to acceptance in today's world. if you are worthy then you are accepted and therefore you are needed and therefor you have an importance. this sort of a flow chart is what my existence has been built on for so long. trying to give structure and order to a chaotic inner self. but even more than a craving for structure there was an attitude that mistakes were not okay.

i read somewhere once that maybe the reason some people expect so much from others is because they would expect such of themselves. that is the kind of double edged sword that really creates a conversation of hypocrisy, especially in the circle of faithful people.

if you're a human with a soul, you're going to mess up especially under the expectations of others. you're going to fail to rise to the occasion even if you're desperately trying with ever damned fiber of your being to rise. and someday, someone's going to turn to you and tell you that they would've risen for you; they're gonna say that they don't understand why you didn't rise for them. in fact, you've probably told someone that. and you'll do it again. it isn't a horrible  thing. it isn't wrong to feel disappointment in other people; even God feels disappointment.

 we are in the image of our maker. we are His children. and we have this amazingly complex range of emotions and abilities that are gifts of his (even the bad emotions). but one thing we that we don't have? control. and this lack of control is something we lust after and always have. we lust after that omniscient ability. and accepting that we don't have control often leaves us feeling worthless.   and it's all a snowball down the mountain from there.

let's divert for a minute and get on a personal level. i've always been a believer; through good and bad seasons i can honestly say i never lost my faith in God. but what i can say is once the worthlessness set in, i did start to feel unworthy. i felt like my failures constituted punishment in my life, like my sin was so incredible and painful to God i couldn't be close to him. i pulled away....for a long time. i can only say my animosity surrounded my existence grew. i no longer felt passionate about things; i had lost all purpose in an existence. i couldn't see comprehend why the tides were rising above my head all the time no matter how much control i though i had. so i sunk deeper and deeper until i got to the point of my own ocean where i was surrounded by the blackest of waters. and there i stayed.

during this time, deep in my core i felt a pull for something more than just existence. i wanted purpose and i wanted out of the darkness. i knew God was there, if not wouldn't i have drowned by now? but even with that knowledge, i still felt so ashamed for not having the strength to pull myself from the depths, so i cast my eyes down. and things did get worse. until they didn't anymore.

i can't yet fully comment on what snapped inside me a few months back. i'm not sure i could even define it for you. but i like to think of it as having air in my lungs that caused me to rise upward from my personal hell. with that air i promised i would try harder. and i did, i spent more time in prayer albeit awkward and ashamed still. i got back into a community of fellow Christians. i started back into my disciplines.  and during these actions a little theme started to pop up: atonement.

it started with a conversation about a book by the same name. the next day, i have a talk about self forgiveness with my mom; about not being so hard on myself when i fall.  that evening my readings for an art history class focus around the atonement of sin in the 7th century. two days later, an old friend lent me some CD's to copy. and there it was again; a song named atonement that spoke to me deep to my very being (more on that in a moment). then a reconciliation with somebody who had wronged me and whom i had also wronged several years ago. then a small group lesson about the seven ways to love God and love others through first loving oneself with a heavy undertone of how God first loves and forgive us for our stupidities. and lastly, something pulled me into 2 corinthians  recently. and if you didn't know, let me expound to you that it is fully of reconciliation and hope that will slap you in the face if you let it.

seriously, seek and it shall be given unto. knock and the door opened.

God could not be more obvious to me: forgive others for not meeting your expectations and to forgive yourself for not meeting theirs. forgive yourself for not meeting your own. forgive yourself for not meeting MINE because I love you. I delight in your existence and your nuances. I created you for a purpose. you are a joy to Me. love yourself as I have first loved you and project that love, joy, hope, and purpose to those around you. or in other words, let the attributions of God reflect in myself.

i am almost in tears writing this. i am so convicted to share this with someone, even if it is just a single person. i want you to know that God has worked in my life. that his love and therefore his forgiveness have granted me with blessing unparalleled to what i ever assumed it could. my chains are gone, i'm set free. no longer am i adrift in a black ocean, but instead the anchor of my soul pulls me upward.

God's atonement, His amazing grace. how great a magnitude small realizations can yield...how magnificent a fire one spark can yield. though everyday i struggle through my own inequity still, i am granted a new inner peace. i am weak. i am imperfect in every sense. i err and i fault. i wrong other people. i wage a war every single day for control. i fear the unknown. need i go on? because i could. but through all of this limitation, inadequacy, weakness, all of this staining in my life, reservation, hesitation i am granted atonement.

old things are passed away; behold! all things become new. - 2 corinthians 5:17
my grace is sufficient for you. for my power is made perfect in weakness.- 2 corinthians 12:9
where the lord is, there is freedom.- 2 corinthians 3:17


so, let me end this in a request: forgive yourself for whatever it is that you hold close to your heart; for whatever it is that keeps you up at night, whatever you want so desperately to change but can't, forgive yourself.

your grace abounds

in deepest

waters.

steadier footing

you see,

you've met me at an interesting time, 

baby.

i so vividly remember a time when my dreams didn't scare me. i remember being able to want something and thinking with just some hard work, God-given talent, and effort i could achieve it. this phase didn't end with childhood either. it lasted all the way up through high school and my early years in college. now, this isn't to say that i didn't work hard for things i wanted (i have a mom and a grandma that are both insanely hardworking and independent that influenced me beyond description), but things usually came easy to me. school was not something i ever had to work at, i picked up my after school activities with a breeze, and i found i had talent in areas of activity that i enjoyed. i never really had  to become a mover and a shaker to make my goals happen.

none of the above is to say i didn't go through struggles at times, but for the most part if i decided on something, i made it happen without a fear of failure through my youth and earliest adulthood years. but, then it came time to make decisions that were long term such as career paths, university choices, jobs, and the whole slew. let me just say, at the age of seventeen i was no better equipped to make these decisions than i was at six. but still, i coasted through them and set some incredibly mediocre life goals which really ended up killing me a few short months later. i'll never forget that first feeling of true emptiness at the age of eighteen.

i like to call the year that followed this time the lost year, sometimes. but other times i like to call it the year i found out what the word goal really meant. loss is something that has always led me to soul searching. and the first big 'loss' in my life cracked the whip of insecurity, doubt, and complete aimless wandering across my body. i realized for the first time that if i didn't truly set myself for a target, i couldn't be crushed again when i landed in some foreign place that i honestly never wanted to be. this kind of realization shook me to my core. it forced me to pick myself up, cut my ties, and make a real map. never again did i want to be lost.

so, no, this didn't all happen over the course of a single year. i was nineteen at them time and totally reeling over things any adult would shrug off. but this long rambling about drawing a line to where i want to be does have a relevance, i promise.

today, i 'relaunch' this blog. not formally, not in a manner that deserves streamers, fireworks, and cake, but in a subtle way that allows me to really introduce a new person to you. so,

hello. my name is chantel and it's the greatest pleasure to meet you,
again.

the last four months have been a time of intense change in my life. not the normal, uncomfortably forced change that people hate, but the kind that is unannounced, quiet in the work it does, and overall intensely pleasant. over this time, i've moved towards a new destination i have been journeying to as long as i can remember. the name of this foreign place? self love.

those two words, placed side by side, is a concept i've never understood or felt. not even in short moments. i've always had a criticism, put down, or rejection to throw at it whenever it tried to come around. let me just tell y'all, man does that make you an unhappy person. but i've had enough time in the emotions past. instead, i'm moving toward God, new people, new places, and the world out in front of me. 

never in college have i been so busy. never have i known this many people at one time. never have i felt on such a personal level with my mentors. never have i felt like this is truly what i am meant to do. that is so scary. it takes courage to grow up and become who we are truly meant to be as e.e. cummings said. but i wouldn't trade that fear for anything. for once i feel like i have something to lose that i have worked for; i have something to gain that i've put my entire being into. and that, quite possibly, is the most life changing realization i've ever had. but then again, i'm just a child still.

i will never again apologize for knowing what i want. i will never again regret wanting something that other people don't understand even though i know it will always frustrate me. i will never again shove my own dreams, thoughts, feelings, and passions in the closet for someone else's approval. neither should you. happiness doesn't come from pleasing the world. and trust me, no matter how hard someone else tells you, even with deep conviction, you can't slam that revolving door.

so with that, let me just say one last thing: don't rehearse your unhappiness, trust that God will get you through whatever you're brought to, and you can always reintroduce yourself.

i found peace in a foreign atonement, i lost myself in the tides of a moment.

but nothing compares.