last night, i was deep in my journal on the cusp of morning time. since i've had quite a lot of time off as of late, i've spent a lot of time reflecting and writing more about my experiences this past year. what follows is a transcription from that writing.
"watching things grow is seriously such a strange phenomenon that we often don't even realize we're seeing. plants, babies, pets, muscles, feelings, distance, hair, nails. what's even more strange is realizing something is growing only through a process of simultaneous shrinking. usually, i suppose, this applies to emotional areas. growth through shrinking: an initiation of change that occurs either intentionally or unrecognized altogether.
reflecting back on this year, i feel like i've grown through my own shrinking. well, and i've shrunk through my growth. this isn't a matter of true and literal size, either. by shrinking my old self, i've grown into a newer person in the depths of my soul. through growing my happiness, i've shrunk my tendencies to close off. weird. weird. weird. man, what a year. isn't that what people always say? however, what a year; almost an uneventful year in comparison to the previous three. but maybe this sort of "uneventful" is exactly what my life really needed. i needed the head-space and the routine; i needed the ability to think about everything all at once for a long time. and truly, for such a quiet year, i learned, did, tried, and felt so many growth inducing things.
::i decided to double major and double minor and allow myself more time here. i moved, again, but into a place i can truly call a home. i forgave someone and told them goodbye. i said also goodbye to my comfort zone and made some great friends. i finally got my semester of A's. i recommitted myself to God. i got my motorcycle license. i experienced the loss of a friend on terms other than my own, again. i lost forty-five pounds. i went on a wild streak and got two piercings in two weeks. i totally got to call my mom a badass while watching her get her eyeliner tattooed on. i watched one of my soul mates graduate from college. i crossed something off my bucket list, twice. and finally, i wrote one of the longest and most intensive papers of my life in prep for grad school.::
of course, this overview is so mild it doesn't cover some of the larger things and really skips over tons of the smaller. but maybe, this tepid year was great. in fact, maybe it was the basis of some truly life changing decisions to come in 2015.
2015
dearest 2015, dude, i already know you'll be a stellar year. lots of HUGE things are already in the works, not to mention those that i have no foresight into. one of my closest friends is gonna have a little girl that, despite my insane awkwardness around children, i already love. i'll graduate college and apply to graduate school. i'll say too few hellos and far too many goodbyes. i'll cry a lot more than i want to. i'll make decisions i regret and carry that with me for way too long. i'll squinty laugh like my mom, i'll dance with a mindset of beyonce even if i'm more like a baby giraffe, i'll scream and squeal in moments of turmoil and joy. i bet you anything i'll fall in love during the span of your 365 days; maybe with someone who won't love me back or maybe not with a someone at all. 2015, you're gonna be scary more often than you're comfortable, but that's okay. God knows his plans for me and if anything, growth happens right outside of comfort zones."
so, that's the sticky of where i'm at with the past, future, and the here and right now.
i'm delightfully fearful, kind of like the first day of college and kindergarten paired with the butterflies that come in that space-between-a-first-kiss moment. i'm hopeful and starstruck by the last twelve months in all of their humility. God has blessed me with faithfulness, as always.
however, being who i am, i love lists and goals, and actions. and what's better a reason for a list than new year's resolutions?
or, as i call them,
annual intentions c. 2015
- buy two books a month: one leisure, one prof./self improvement.
- stop your nasty nail biting habit.
- devote weekly time to GRE studying.
- put 15% back each week into a savings account.
- make time each morning to pull the weeds (metaphorically).
- travel at least twice this year.
- network professionally and beyond.
- practice pay it forward actions
so, with this i bid you adieu, ask you to have a merry christmas and a sparkly new year!
