every new beginning
comes from
some other beginning's end;
the word atonement has been following me around for weeks now. it works into my readings for class, my subjects for paper topics. it shows up in beautiful typography in magazines and bold lettering on dvd covers with keira knightly's face. it comes to me in conversations and plays itself into my speakers on my iPhone. i cannot ignore it any longer even if i tried (which i have). i always ask for the sign and then try to send it back when it comes to me in full boldface because it scares me.
so what does that word even mean? i asked around to so many people receiving answer that ranged from "i have no clue. is that even a real thing?' to 'cleansing' to 'it's a musical theory'.
atonement an amazing word even in the barest of definitions.
atonement an amazing word even in the barest of definitions.
atonement
noun
1. satisfaction, reparation, or expiation given for an injury or wrong.
2. the reconciliation of man with God through the life, sufferings, and sacrificial death of Christ; the sufferings and death of Christ.
3. the state in which the attributions of God are reflected in man.
okay, seriously that last part though....whoa. if anything could bring me to my knees, it is this. one word with such a loaded cannon of a definition, a beautiful back story, a plethora of attachment to my life. so just a forewarning, i'm going to be pretty transparent and bold here.
i have hated myself for a long time. i don't say that for some kind of pity or inspirational heart-to-heart. i say that because it is a self evident truth. hating ourselves and other people for what makes them their true self is a social activity in today's society that we can't escape. i am my own worst critic; i strive for perfection. keeping control of my life is the ultimate goal from day to day. i want to have a say in how my life works and i want to be able to direct it through hard work. who doesn't want to control the outcome? i want to look a certain way, talk a certain way, eat and drink certain things solely for the impression it makes on other people. social acceptance and success is the goal.
i cannot say this is an unreasonable goal. i just wanna be successful. but, sometimes, no matter how hard i try or how much work i put into something, it just does not come together. i have watched the sand slip from my hands so many times, failure leads me to dark places. i rarely find myself asking where i've gone wrong in God's plan. i rarely consider the ideas that may be far from what i actually desire in life and far from what will ever make me truly happy. failure spurs self hate in a way that lights me on fire. it makes my face distort, my outlook darken, and my life spiral downward all because i get so stuck in the mindset of if i can't control it, how is it ever gonna turn out ok, much less perfectly?
the struggle for perfection ties to a deeper desire to discern worth to my own existence. worth is a partner to acceptance in today's world. if you are worthy then you are accepted and therefore you are needed and therefor you have an importance. this sort of a flow chart is what my existence has been built on for so long. trying to give structure and order to a chaotic inner self. but even more than a craving for structure there was an attitude that mistakes were not okay.
i read somewhere once that maybe the reason some people expect so much from others is because they would expect such of themselves. that is the kind of double edged sword that really creates a conversation of hypocrisy, especially in the circle of faithful people.
if you're a human with a soul, you're going to mess up especially under the expectations of others. you're going to fail to rise to the occasion even if you're desperately trying with ever damned fiber of your being to rise. and someday, someone's going to turn to you and tell you that they would've risen for you; they're gonna say that they don't understand why you didn't rise for them. in fact, you've probably told someone that. and you'll do it again. it isn't a horrible thing. it isn't wrong to feel disappointment in other people; even God feels disappointment.
we are in the image of our maker. we are His children. and we have this amazingly complex range of emotions and abilities that are gifts of his (even the bad emotions). but one thing we that we don't have? control. and this lack of control is something we lust after and always have. we lust after that omniscient ability. and accepting that we don't have control often leaves us feeling worthless. and it's all a snowball down the mountain from there.
let's divert for a minute and get on a personal level. i've always been a believer; through good and bad seasons i can honestly say i never lost my faith in God. but what i can say is once the worthlessness set in, i did start to feel unworthy. i felt like my failures constituted punishment in my life, like my sin was so incredible and painful to God i couldn't be close to him. i pulled away....for a long time. i can only say my animosity surrounded my existence grew. i no longer felt passionate about things; i had lost all purpose in an existence. i couldn't see comprehend why the tides were rising above my head all the time no matter how much control i though i had. so i sunk deeper and deeper until i got to the point of my own ocean where i was surrounded by the blackest of waters. and there i stayed.
during this time, deep in my core i felt a pull for something more than just existence. i wanted purpose and i wanted out of the darkness. i knew God was there, if not wouldn't i have drowned by now? but even with that knowledge, i still felt so ashamed for not having the strength to pull myself from the depths, so i cast my eyes down. and things did get worse. until they didn't anymore.
i can't yet fully comment on what snapped inside me a few months back. i'm not sure i could even define it for you. but i like to think of it as having air in my lungs that caused me to rise upward from my personal hell. with that air i promised i would try harder. and i did, i spent more time in prayer albeit awkward and ashamed still. i got back into a community of fellow Christians. i started back into my disciplines. and during these actions a little theme started to pop up: atonement.
it started with a conversation about a book by the same name. the next day, i have a talk about self forgiveness with my mom; about not being so hard on myself when i fall. that evening my readings for an art history class focus around the atonement of sin in the 7th century. two days later, an old friend lent me some CD's to copy. and there it was again; a song named atonement that spoke to me deep to my very being (more on that in a moment). then a reconciliation with somebody who had wronged me and whom i had also wronged several years ago. then a small group lesson about the seven ways to love God and love others through first loving oneself with a heavy undertone of how God first loves and forgive us for our stupidities. and lastly, something pulled me into 2 corinthians recently. and if you didn't know, let me expound to you that it is fully of reconciliation and hope that will slap you in the face if you let it.
seriously, seek and it shall be given unto. knock and the door opened.
God could not be more obvious to me: forgive others for not meeting your expectations and to forgive yourself for not meeting theirs. forgive yourself for not meeting your own. forgive yourself for not meeting MINE because I love you. I delight in your existence and your nuances. I created you for a purpose. you are a joy to Me. love yourself as I have first loved you and project that love, joy, hope, and purpose to those around you. or in other words, let the attributions of God reflect in myself.
i am almost in tears writing this. i am so convicted to share this with someone, even if it is just a single person. i want you to know that God has worked in my life. that his love and therefore his forgiveness have granted me with blessing unparalleled to what i ever assumed it could. my chains are gone, i'm set free. no longer am i adrift in a black ocean, but instead the anchor of my soul pulls me upward.
God's atonement, His amazing grace. how great a magnitude small realizations can yield...how magnificent a fire one spark can yield. though everyday i struggle through my own inequity still, i am granted a new inner peace. i am weak. i am imperfect in every sense. i err and i fault. i wrong other people. i wage a war every single day for control. i fear the unknown. need i go on? because i could. but through all of this limitation, inadequacy, weakness, all of this staining in my life, reservation, hesitation i am granted atonement.
old things are passed away; behold! all things become new. - 2 corinthians 5:17
my grace is sufficient for you. for my power is made perfect in weakness.- 2 corinthians 12:9
where the lord is, there is freedom.- 2 corinthians 3:17
so, let me end this in a request: forgive yourself for whatever it is that you hold close to your heart; for whatever it is that keeps you up at night, whatever you want so desperately to change but can't, forgive yourself.
i cannot say this is an unreasonable goal. i just wanna be successful. but, sometimes, no matter how hard i try or how much work i put into something, it just does not come together. i have watched the sand slip from my hands so many times, failure leads me to dark places. i rarely find myself asking where i've gone wrong in God's plan. i rarely consider the ideas that may be far from what i actually desire in life and far from what will ever make me truly happy. failure spurs self hate in a way that lights me on fire. it makes my face distort, my outlook darken, and my life spiral downward all because i get so stuck in the mindset of if i can't control it, how is it ever gonna turn out ok, much less perfectly?
the struggle for perfection ties to a deeper desire to discern worth to my own existence. worth is a partner to acceptance in today's world. if you are worthy then you are accepted and therefore you are needed and therefor you have an importance. this sort of a flow chart is what my existence has been built on for so long. trying to give structure and order to a chaotic inner self. but even more than a craving for structure there was an attitude that mistakes were not okay.
i read somewhere once that maybe the reason some people expect so much from others is because they would expect such of themselves. that is the kind of double edged sword that really creates a conversation of hypocrisy, especially in the circle of faithful people.
if you're a human with a soul, you're going to mess up especially under the expectations of others. you're going to fail to rise to the occasion even if you're desperately trying with ever damned fiber of your being to rise. and someday, someone's going to turn to you and tell you that they would've risen for you; they're gonna say that they don't understand why you didn't rise for them. in fact, you've probably told someone that. and you'll do it again. it isn't a horrible thing. it isn't wrong to feel disappointment in other people; even God feels disappointment.
we are in the image of our maker. we are His children. and we have this amazingly complex range of emotions and abilities that are gifts of his (even the bad emotions). but one thing we that we don't have? control. and this lack of control is something we lust after and always have. we lust after that omniscient ability. and accepting that we don't have control often leaves us feeling worthless. and it's all a snowball down the mountain from there.
let's divert for a minute and get on a personal level. i've always been a believer; through good and bad seasons i can honestly say i never lost my faith in God. but what i can say is once the worthlessness set in, i did start to feel unworthy. i felt like my failures constituted punishment in my life, like my sin was so incredible and painful to God i couldn't be close to him. i pulled away....for a long time. i can only say my animosity surrounded my existence grew. i no longer felt passionate about things; i had lost all purpose in an existence. i couldn't see comprehend why the tides were rising above my head all the time no matter how much control i though i had. so i sunk deeper and deeper until i got to the point of my own ocean where i was surrounded by the blackest of waters. and there i stayed.
during this time, deep in my core i felt a pull for something more than just existence. i wanted purpose and i wanted out of the darkness. i knew God was there, if not wouldn't i have drowned by now? but even with that knowledge, i still felt so ashamed for not having the strength to pull myself from the depths, so i cast my eyes down. and things did get worse. until they didn't anymore.
i can't yet fully comment on what snapped inside me a few months back. i'm not sure i could even define it for you. but i like to think of it as having air in my lungs that caused me to rise upward from my personal hell. with that air i promised i would try harder. and i did, i spent more time in prayer albeit awkward and ashamed still. i got back into a community of fellow Christians. i started back into my disciplines. and during these actions a little theme started to pop up: atonement.
it started with a conversation about a book by the same name. the next day, i have a talk about self forgiveness with my mom; about not being so hard on myself when i fall. that evening my readings for an art history class focus around the atonement of sin in the 7th century. two days later, an old friend lent me some CD's to copy. and there it was again; a song named atonement that spoke to me deep to my very being (more on that in a moment). then a reconciliation with somebody who had wronged me and whom i had also wronged several years ago. then a small group lesson about the seven ways to love God and love others through first loving oneself with a heavy undertone of how God first loves and forgive us for our stupidities. and lastly, something pulled me into 2 corinthians recently. and if you didn't know, let me expound to you that it is fully of reconciliation and hope that will slap you in the face if you let it.
seriously, seek and it shall be given unto. knock and the door opened.
God could not be more obvious to me: forgive others for not meeting your expectations and to forgive yourself for not meeting theirs. forgive yourself for not meeting your own. forgive yourself for not meeting MINE because I love you. I delight in your existence and your nuances. I created you for a purpose. you are a joy to Me. love yourself as I have first loved you and project that love, joy, hope, and purpose to those around you. or in other words, let the attributions of God reflect in myself.
i am almost in tears writing this. i am so convicted to share this with someone, even if it is just a single person. i want you to know that God has worked in my life. that his love and therefore his forgiveness have granted me with blessing unparalleled to what i ever assumed it could. my chains are gone, i'm set free. no longer am i adrift in a black ocean, but instead the anchor of my soul pulls me upward.
God's atonement, His amazing grace. how great a magnitude small realizations can yield...how magnificent a fire one spark can yield. though everyday i struggle through my own inequity still, i am granted a new inner peace. i am weak. i am imperfect in every sense. i err and i fault. i wrong other people. i wage a war every single day for control. i fear the unknown. need i go on? because i could. but through all of this limitation, inadequacy, weakness, all of this staining in my life, reservation, hesitation i am granted atonement.
old things are passed away; behold! all things become new. - 2 corinthians 5:17
my grace is sufficient for you. for my power is made perfect in weakness.- 2 corinthians 12:9
where the lord is, there is freedom.- 2 corinthians 3:17
so, let me end this in a request: forgive yourself for whatever it is that you hold close to your heart; for whatever it is that keeps you up at night, whatever you want so desperately to change but can't, forgive yourself.
your grace abounds
in deepest
waters.
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